The Fifty-Hit-Dice Spider

We live in a basement apartment, which is actually very nice (lots of light). But it does mean we get a lot of spiders. They vary in size and shape, predominantly the long-legged slow-moving kind. Occasionally we get some really big ones.

Once, as I was brushing my teeth, I noticed a truly colossal spider by the medicine cabinet.

Being somewhat prone to hyperbole anyway, I told My Associate "There's a fifty hit dice spider in here, don't be alarmed." As I didn't play D&D all that much growing up I didn't have a good sense of scale for hit dice.

My Associate, who is way more of a D&D geek than I am informed me "a fifty hit dice spider would be catching red dragons in its web".

We laughed.

River of Night's Dreaming

We were reading comics on the porch of a building, perhaps a loading dock. The wind was blowing them towards a river nearby which went down a rapids into another building where it was part of an elaborate artificial waterfall or sculpture that resembled (in part) a printing press.

There were bleachers in the building with people watching something. When I noticed the comics blowing into the river, a team of us went in undercover to shut down the sculpture so we could get access to retrieve the comics.

One particular comic was valuable; I felt a lot of anxiety that the wind had been blowing them from the porch for quite some time before we noticed.
In the building was also a room that looked like a lethal injection chamber.

There was one guy in particular was spearheading our operation. I expressed concern that a member of the cleaning staff was coming and would jeopardize our cover but he explained she was one of us.

I Totally Have Superpowers!

I dreamed that I was a detective at a crime scene. Someone ran up, knocked out my partner, stole our car and sped away. I followed on foot, effortlessly keeping up running. The perpetrator went the wrong way up an exit ramp, and flipped the car. I arrived to find him thrown to the side of the road. Amazingly, emergency responders were already there. I touched his head and revived him with a lavender light (of course it was lavender). I then demanded he tell me who'd sent him, and as an inducement to be more forthcoming, proceeded to drain and restore his life essence, causing him tremendous pain.

Wuthering High

I dreamed that I was an observer in court where Kate Bush, Pat Benatar and Another Male Rocker (who it was I don't recall) were on trial for cocaine possession. Kate and Pat broke into a duet version of Wuthering Heights and totally brought the house down. Ali Larter was seated behind me and was quite distraught when Male Rocker refused her request for an autograph.

My Head Comes Off. . .

Paula Poundstone is to blame.

In one of her routines she talked about having to babysit, and to entertain the kids told them that her head came off. The (perhaps too) credulous children quizzed her about the manner in which her head came off, etc.

At Disclave one year, this was seized upon. A friend posed the question "Yes, but what does your head do after it comes off?" Various permutations followed, including:

My head comes off and it's full of candy.

A few years later, this was translated into Swedish by another friend as:

Mitt huvud trillar av och det är fullt av godis.

Imagine my shock and surprise when I found this very phrase -- a phrase which I thought for sure had no currency outside a very small circle of friends from college -- in Omniglot.com (look under 'Swedish').

When I read this, my head came off.

When It Came

"When It Came" is a 12 minute drone piece by Dino Pacifici which I heard on (surprise) SomaFM and found on the (Excellent) Drone Download Project Year 1 compilation. At the very end of the piece is a processed vocal sample:

"When the effect came, it was almost unnoticed because it happened to such a small insignificant form of life."

Mildly creepy, absent any other context. A little digging found the source, a film called Phase IV about a takeover by ants -- but not the giant mutant radioactive kind (oh *Them*), regular-sized ants that -- for reasons never really made clear -- start acting in a distinctly un-ant-like way.

"Phase IV" is the only feature film by Saul Bass, otherwise known (or unknown) as a title designer. It was given the MST3K treatment, which I haven't seen, and -- no disrespect to Mike, Joel and the Bots I think I might just prefer to leave it that way. There's something about this film. . .

I literally* flew out the door when I heard it was playing at The Castro Theatre (cue Wurlitzer), and to my delight it's been released on DVD. I don't think I could really do the film justice, so I'll just throw links at the problem and hope that one or more of them will stick and interest you in seeking out this film for yourself:

• Not Coming To A Theater Near You (review)


• Dot Dot #11 (via Google Books)
  With excerpts from screenplay


• SF360 Profile on Saul Bass (director)


• GoofButton ( many stills)

First, the Bees and Wasps. And now the ants. For my next trick, I will turn into a giant centipede.

---

*not literally

The Bees and Wasps of Eternity

I was afraid I'd lost this bit of text forever. It wasn't in any of my digital archives, and the Internet Archive/Wayback Machine failed me -- I remembered it had been on one incarnation of my web pages ages ago.

Then this evening, by an amazing coincidence, I found the hard copy that used to adorn the door of my monk's cell -- er, dorm room -- in graduate school.
Originally emailed to me by my friend Joe, forwarded from another party, presumably the author. (Adddresses and other PI removed below save for Brent for the sake of due attribution). I'll attempt to reproduce it as it appeared on my web page out of an overdeveloped, obsessive sense of nostalgia.

---

Barbarella is a Talking Lava Lamp

This came to me by way of my good friend Joe while I was a gradual student in Physics at XXX. I've left it in its original format. Brent Palmer, if you're out there man, you rule. This poem has stayed with me for years. woobee woobee. ikka ikka.

---

Date: Tue, 8 Jun 93 10:03:09 EDT
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
To: (me)
Subject: thot ya'd like this...

Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 13:32:36 -0500
From: 00bcpalmer%BSUVAX1.BITNET@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu
Subject: Barbarella is a Talking Lava Lamp

Wooobeeee Wooobeeee ikka ikka.
I am god of the bees.
Sting me goaheadantryit.
I am f---ing wondergod of the bees
ikka ikka

The *hive* is *big*       *spaciousness*
*spa-*         *cious-*           *ness*

I like the way your lips move when you say that.

*spa-*         *cious-*           *ness*

I am goddess of the wasps
I am landing on the moon on your shoulder

The Seventies are back
*omigod* The Seventies are Back

Look carefully for the sun.

Where am I?
The land of Shadows.
Who are you?

*the* bees *and* wasps of eternity

00bcpalmer@bsuvc.bsu.edu "Brent"
[watch the Gergen and Barney Show!]